LIFE IN SOLITUDE
- Marcel Courteau
- Jun 16, 2024
- 6 min read
Updated: Jul 26, 2024
From "The Top Five Regrets of the Dying," Bronnie Ware, author and former palliative care nurse, describes in her book, "wishing I had stayed in touch with my friends" as the fourth regret. In the era of constant digital connectivity, the lack of quality relationships is increasingly affecting people of all ages and regions.
Jean-Marc Richard, broadcaster for RTS Switzerland's Radio 1, receives calls every night on the “Ligne du Cœur” like this short message from Michael: “I am 37 years old and my loneliness is total. I fear another romantic failure and realize that I am isolating myself more and more. How can I escape this loneliness that has turned me into a wreck with no plans and no future?”
"Every night I feel the pulse of society," confesses Jean-Marc Richard. "They call to talk about their situation, whether social or psychological, and then at some point loneliness emerges very strongly. It's like a shyness, a reluctance to express it directly, but after many testimonies, loneliness resurfaces as the central element."
A recent study by Gallup and Meta, titled "The Global State of Social Connections," which interviewed people aged 15 and older in 142 countries between June 2022 and February 2023, shows that 25% of respondents aged 15 to 18 feel "lonely," and 27% of young people aged 19 to 29 reported the same. The age groups between 30 and 44 years old reported 25%, and those between 45 and 64 years old reported 22%.
Emotional Loneliness
Adèle, successful in her professional career, has seen all her love stories end in failure. She often asks herself: “Why do I always choose those who don’t commit?” Despite her beauty, there is no line of men waiting to make her happy, and she has never heard an "I love you" from any of them. At 55, she fears she will never hear it again. Childless, she feels she will leave nothing behind and exhausts her friends with her recurring problems, so she self-excludes. Lonely meals in front of the TV are her refuge. Life, with its relentless solitude, has imposed a hard landing on her.
Psychoanalyst José Luis Parise tells us that it is common to find patients who love their partners but do not desire them. This worsens when they have the option of separation in mind. As long as this door is open, they do not commit to finding solutions within the relationship.
This attitude leads couples to separate without resolving their issues, carrying them into future relationships. Krishnamurti clearly expressed: “If I don't know how to handle this boat, even if I change boats, I still don't know how to row.”
In contrast, only 17% of people over 65 experience isolation, according to Gallup.
Chosen Loneliness.
Paco, 60 years old, separated, with a 37-year-old daughter, religious, bipolar, and devoted to the Carmelite Monastery of Nuns, has lived alone in his little house in the Las Dalias neighborhood of Mar del Plata for 25 years.
—Have you ever considered living with someone?
—No. I live alone by choice. At one time, I lived with four homeless people whom I brought to live in the front house to help them. But that was a tough period when I got a bit confused, and one of the sisters from the Carmelite Monastery made me see that I was not like them, that I was not meant to be begging. I have no problem connecting socially. In fact, I have contact with many people, but I don't have a life like everyone else's, going to work at a place and keeping a schedule. I weave paths and stoles for the Monastery on a loom and rent out the front house, which is enough for me. When I feel like talking, I talk; I'm very talkative, and my bipolarity helps a lot. Thomas Merton, a writer who is about to be canonized, says: “To be a saint is to be yourself.” And I can tell you that today, at 60 years old, I feel I have never felt so much like myself. I am Paco. I am what I want to be, and therefore, as Thomas Merton said, I must be a saint.
—So, does this mean that since you decided to live alone, you do not suffer from loneliness?
—He thinks for a moment. Look, what I can tell you is that I live my freedom. I decide how I want to live. It is free will, which I am not willing to give up to anyone, not even to God.
Neuroscientist Mariano Sigman tells us: “Loneliness is not having someone to talk to in a good way about anything openly. You need to find that person, who is usually not your partner, parent, or child, because you have many expectations with those relationships, and it's hard to avoid judgment.
It is usually a good friend, someone you can talk to about anything, who will listen, and with whom you can make mistakes, say the worst things in the world, all your demons, someone with whom you have the right to speak in any terms. That is like a huge parachute for health. It is not a conjecture, it is science.”
Isolation in Children and Adolescents.
Dr. Miriam Kaufman, a psychiatrist at the Kreia Institute in Mar del Plata, shared profound reflections on loneliness and isolation:
Initially, we are born alone, we die alone, and we are alone all our lives. There is confusion between being alone and being lonely.
Children do not have this confusion. They have the language of play and constantly make decisions on their own, but they are not alone. It is rare for a child to feel lonely. The only loneliness children feel is the helplessness of an adult not taking care of them. Humans are one of the few species that lack self-sufficiency. A cat leaves its kitten, and it is likely to survive. If you don't feed a child, they die.
Isolation is one thing, and a teenager enjoying being alone is another. If they like being alone to enjoy music or whatever, it relates to enjoyment, which is a positive choice. Isolation is a symptom. You isolate yourself because something hurts you, and it always serves someone. Isolation is defensive; something is damaging. It may be that they cannot connect with the adults they live with, and it is also very convenient for the adults that the young person is playing video games or whatever all day. There is a family structure indicating something is not right.
This void creates pain that the young person tries to calm with games, social media, junk food, or any escape route. These have always existed, but now there are more. Blaming just games and social media is a diagnostic error.
What is happening, and this does harm children, is that parents have no idea what their children are doing. Also, something that stands out in consultations is that children find it hard to talk. Something happened between this generation and theirs that prevented them from learning it.
They do not talk to their parents because they eat watching TV, use their cell phones, or talk about politics without understanding it. When they meet, they only ask: “How did it go?”, “Good?”, “Did you pass?”
Nobody asks them: What do you want? What do you like? What makes you feel good? When you ask someone about what they do and not about who they are, the individual disappears, and that is where you find loneliness.
The issue is more complex: it is a communication problem originating from a cultural model that produces isolation.
Finally, the situation is not resolved by "taking away the games" or "doing sports." It requires analyzing communication, dismantling the structure, and creating something healthier.
Facing the reality of our lives and relationships is an uncomfortable challenge we often avoid. The lack of honesty, both with ourselves and with others, creates an emotional distance that feeds a deep loneliness, which Kaufman called "alienation" or "the state of feeling alien": it is feeling that we are not who we really are. It is crucial to begin the journey inward, reflecting on our authentic needs and emotions, seeking support, making coherent decisions, and being honest with ourselves.
Sources:
1. Temps Présent: Ma vie face à la solitude – RTS Radiotélévision Suisse. Nicolas Pallay, Sabine Pirolt.
2. Gallup – Meta. 2023: The Global State of Social Connections.
3. José Luis Parise, Psychoanalyst. Pareja, Amor, Deseo. Min. 37:06 to 37:53.
4. Mariano Sigman, Neuroscientist. “Loneliness is toxic, having someone to talk to is a huge parachute for health.” El País, 19/10/2022. Javier Salas.
5. Dr. Miriam Kaufman. Psychiatrist. Kreia Institute Mar del Plata. Children and Adolescents. Interview 04/06/2024.
6. How well do you know your family? Nación Jeep. 30/11/2018.
7. Eat together. Crave More. Canada. April 2017.
8. The Top Five Regrets of the Dying: A Life Transformed by the Dearly Departed. By Bronnie Ware. NHI (National Library Medicine-2012- Beverlee Warren-MA, MS).
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